Starseeds: When you’re on the bottom of the ocean

What I’m learning from my traverse in the silent, blue deep of loneliness

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This is today.

I’m sitting in a café with weird vibes, after I biked 18 kilometres (over 11 miles) on a “bike path” that was 50% loose gravel 30% legitimate small boulders and the rest logging road, (On a touring bike with no shocks)… in jeans.

I had left my house in a dazed stupor, determined to ‘get out and get some fresh air and movement’ before setling down at the café to work. Although I did spend most of that bike ride yelling at the universe (I kid you not — sometimes a good holler at the sky is what one needs), I arrived at the coffee shop only to find that the wifi was down. No wifi, no workee. I would not, in fact, be able to get the work done that I had anticipated. I even tried to connect to my phone’s hotspot, which inexplicably, today, didn’t want to work.

I’m currently in a bit of a …. Deep traverse.

It’s kind of like a rough patch — but instead of things feeling bumpy and difficult, it feels like I’ve been plunged into the bottom of the ocean to slowly tread across the silence of the ocean floor. The life I feel engaged in is far above me — up in the sunlight, in the fresh air, in the breeze. I can see the surface; the way the light reflects off the top of the water and the change in hue that shifts from the deep up to the surface. Things aren’t bumpy, or rocky or jarring, like in a traditional rough patch — they’re just …
slow.
Lethargic.
Heavy.

Let’s revisit those visceral screams I expended yelling at the universe. It sounds like a joke, I know, but I ensure you: it’s not. I’ve been deeply “in-it” with this whole Healing Spiral thing for over 9 years. I’m learning to let the energy move through me — up and out — instead of letting it stay trapped inside. I used to keep everything in, and then would be so confused when I ended up in a cycle of depression, or deep isolation 6 months later. So when I feel the anger bubbling up, now, I let it ring.

It’s times like these where the quiet on the bottom of the ocean seems to reverberate in a deafening silence — friends seem distant, even if you you’re in contact with them; loneliness creeps in. It starts to feel familiar — this sense of not belonging and non-oneness. To top it off, in times like these, I can’t hear my guides.

Radio Silence

Yep, you read that right — in these moments where I feel like I could use the reassuring feelings and messages from my guides the most, I can’t hear them.

Not a peep.

Seems kinda cruel, right? In times of needing that galactic hand to hold, I reach up and grasp for nothing but air?

… Have you ever heard someone say that you’ll know when you’re on the right path because you’ll feel it?

This is where we deunk that myth.

Truthfully, in my experience of launching myself headfirst into experiences and lifestyle changes that have put me in a position of deep growth, I’ve kind of found that to be absolute crappity crap. Seems crazy, right? Shouldn’t we get all the confirmation and universal support in the world when we take a big leap of faith and move firmly in the direction of our dreams?

Erm… sort of.

You will get an amplitude of signs as you head towards the direction of being on the right path — you may get nudges, signs, synchronicities — This is all stuff I teach to my clients on a regular basis. How to hear your intuition, how to feel into the messages you’re receiving and decipher what it feels like to open yourself to the spiritual guidance you’re being nudged to listen to. You’ll get nudgey-nudge-nudged until you move towards the path that is in alignment with what is best for you.

The tricky kicker with that, however, is that often when you take that first step onto the path — you are then greeted with radio silence.

That’s right. There’s no fanfare, no breadcrumbs to follow, no little voice that says “great job! You’re headed in the right direction!” Oftentimes, when you step onto that path, the overwhelming feeling you experience is one of feeling completely and utterly alone.

Whee.

But Why?

When I decided to do the scary thing in my business and level up — hiring an assistant, completely rebirthing my social media (still working on that, find me @starseedawakening_ on IG for now), changing the format of my energy forecasts and rebranding my entire spiritually-front-facing identity, I had so much universal support.

The assistant I hired literally appeared out of nowhere — floating to the surface on a miscellaneous community Facebook post I had made looking for a photographer to redo some lifestyle shots for my brand — less than 12 hours after I made the post. Turns out, not only was this photographer incredibly talented, she also had a knack for social media and was more interested in trading me for my services than receiving money in exchange. Perfect.

When I wanted to get serious about strengthening my business’s foundation, I made a separate post on a facebook community page looking for a business coach. Again, I found one, who only wanted to trade me for my readings and guidance. In under an hour of posting.

I started attending more markets this summer to gain on-the-ground reconigiton of my existence and my services for readings. Not only did I receive clients that felt like soul-connections, I got booked out. At every. Single. Market.

I was seeing images of chrysalises and butterflies, and constantly receiving messages about expanding and walking up a podium in my mind.

Things were going well!

Now, that I’ve taken the leap — moved to a new place, brought my partner with me, started an entrepreneurship course that seems way out of my budget, and started doing the actual building blocks of levelling up my business — things are… silent.

No signs, no messages from guides, no fanfare.

I know, I know, it sucks.

Luckily, I’m starting to get the hang of this ol’ level-up-and-leave-me-hangin’ business.

This is part of the spiral of growth.

Have a dream, get inspired, get signs, get up the courage to do the damn thing, and then … nothing?

Here’s why:

All of those things I just talked about — all the signs, and the messages, and the a c t io n — they’re all very “doing-y” based things.

Rooted in movement.
In a direction that feels forward.
Very “yang-y” energy.
Go-go-go.

When we take the step onto that path of the unknown — of growth or of courage, however, we also need to create the space for other aspects of the whole to enter, grow and be birthed. This is going to sound redundant; cliché: but it’s the yin aspects we often forget about making space for on our journeys to success.

These aspects are the parts that ask us to trust, to hang in there, to hold on. The parts that ask us to be still, for a moment: to reflect not just on where we want to go, but on where we’ve been — what we’ve gone through and why we now know we have the strength and resilience to stick with this even though these feel awkward and lonely.

The parts that ask us to see if we can walk along the bottom of the ocean with grace and patience — instead of trying to force the rise to the top before we’re ready.

It’s like asking a baby to continuously grow without napping, or sleep. Have you seen a baby without a nap? No bueno.

Our bodies need to integrate. When we take steps of expansion, especially if we identify as traumatized individuals, we are going to need to teach our nervous systems that it is safe for us to upgrade. That it is safe for us to receive more. That it is safe for us to embody the life we’ve been dreaming and scheming and vision boarding about.

Think of it this way:

Have you ever started a new habit — perhaps an exercise program, a change in routine, or embarked on a new skill that felt fun and expansive at first, but then as soon as you started to see results you subconsciously self-sabotaged — not only to fell like you ended up back at square one, but also that there’s somehow this little evil gremlin that lives inside of you that is sabotaging your hopes of success?

This happens because your body, your soft self, and the little You inside didn’t have enough time or reassurance to integrate that change. When we initiate a big shift in our lives, especially if our selves or our bodies are accustomed to being in an unsafe environment, we will inherently self-sabotage every single time we introduce a shift that is too big.

This can get conflated with the belief that we’ve failed.

Believe me. This is not the first time I’ve tried to “level up” professional as an entrepreneur (Running a business as a woman who didn’t want to give up her femininity for success, succumb to grind culture or force her neurodviergence away in order to fit into a more traditional work schedule), and failed.

And the only reason I failed?

I got to the bottom-of-the-ocean part of the journey, saw my bank account getting low, and totally panicked — telling myself I needed to get a regular hours job to bring in money and that I could take the leap when I knew I was ready.

Instead, all I would have had to tell 25 year-old me, 27 year-old me and 29 year old me was that the steps I was taking were throwing off my nervous system and that I needed to take a little time to I n t e g r a t e and teach my body that what I was doing was a safe and okay thing.

I needed to explain to her that having consistency in other ways — taking myself to the gym or outside on a regular basis, cooking meals from home instead of panic-relying on processed convenience foods and ALLOWING herself some time to just CHILL, I might have been in the place of my dreams three, five, or seven years ago.

But I snapped back like an elastic, because I rushed the process.

Trust, Rest, Allow

I’ve now learnd that feeling totally aimless (especially without the guidance of my galactic friends upstairs) can feel almost debilitating when that feeling first creeps in. When things feel slow, heavy, and bottom-of-the-oceany, letting go and allowing can feel like literally the last thing I would possibly want to do in situations like this. Things are urgent! I must act! I must make action! But giving into this feeling of panic and overwhelm just stagnates the process. Being on the bottom of the ocean allows us to listen to the deep. To feel into the process. To float.

The less I try to force and the more I allow, the easier things get.

It doesn’t mean that things feel comfortable. I now know — after stepping outside my comfort zone and elasticizing myself back into from fear, that discomfort is an okay thing to feel. It doesn’t mean that I’m dying. Or that I’m falling, even. Or that I’m failing.

What is essential, however, is having the strength and determination to dig deep when things feel deep, heavy, and well.. radio silencey. Like there’s no one out there who can hear you. Teach yourself that it’s okay to have some silence. Teach your body that it’s okay to expand. This is process. I’m focusing on things that make me feel good — going out into nature; working on my long-forgotten neglected art projects; cooking loving meals from home.

The more I give myself permission to be in this place of integration and knowing that the expansion is in fact taking place, the more I’m able to relax into it.

And that, itself, is progress.

❤ ❤ ❤

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