Starseeds: The Next Becoming
Why walking into the destiny I co-created feels like Death
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The truth is, I feel quite lost
I feel that I’m at the edge of a precipice. I’ve moved, potentially, for the 2nd-last time (putting the end to a 12-year cycle of spirit-led nomadic living). I’m re-branding my business (with help, thank god), re-structuring how I work, and working on changing my lifestyle. I’m hitting the gym four times a week — cooking food at home (mostly) and doing my best to go for those daily walks people talk so much about. I’m doing the things. I’ve also enrolled in an entrepreneurship course — one that focuses more on healing and the journey of Soul than it does on marketing tactics.
And it’s true: I do feel I’m on the edge of an explosion of Self — a place where I finally, finally, will be at a new vista and can embody a new way of living (instead of paycheck to paycheck, where I float in and out of debt with the occasional supplementation of random service job X to get me through the next season). After years of climbing up, and sliding down, the same hill, I feel like I’m starting to gain traction. To make ground.
Simultaneously, I feel saturated with emotion. weighed down by the fear in the collective. Haunted by the energetic grief. We live in an incredible time for humanity. It feels like with each bomb dropped — each resonant cry or each threatening, right-wing political rally in the U.S. — I feel it. We feel it.
It’s like I’m going to be given my wings of success at the same time the world is going to shift, on its axis, once again. Sure, I could say it’s “too much,” or that I can’t handle the weight. But the truth is, if I dig down deep; I can. This is what I signed up for. This is why I agreed to incarnate at this time. I am here to serve as a guide.
Life-in-process is a beautiful paradox. It feels like after almost a decade of this work — that I should be able to understand exactly what’s going on and be able to name it during my deeper spiritual shifts. That I “should’ be able to intuit; to know, and be able to perceive with an eagle’s-eye like perspective, exactly what’s going on within me. That I should be able to produce an exact reasoning for the heaviness I feel upon waking. For the dreams I have of the collective. For the emotions that swell like waves.
Understanding is everything to me. I must understand exactly what is going on in order to be able to relax into the shift.
And, yet, in classic irony, the absence of this understanding feels like the message. That this time around, as I’m walking up to the final gates of the temple I must enter to embody the person I have always dreamed of being — I will not receive a map. That the road I walk will be one encased with fog; ghosts of my fears and hesitations making themselves known in the echoes of invisible silence. That in order enter the gates of my destiny, I must leave everything I have known behind: My trusty backpack of years of travel and experience. My journal; my sacred book that holds all my dreams and manifestations. My relationship — trusting that my partner will be there to greet me on the other side — but that he cannot walk with me through the gates. That his transformation will not accompany mine. That I must be patient.
In the gleams of writing this words, I am beginning to sense what is required for me during this journey.
Not the items or people I hold so dearly, nor the identity I have come to make for myself. What I will be bringing along, this time, is a preparedness to let go like I never have before. That I must allow myself to fall, off the path of progress, into the mists below. That I will not be ‘becoming’ the person I have always dreamed of through steady progress or collection of skill. That in order to become Her — the one who allows her womb to speak for her, her body to move her, her intuition to serve as her greatest presence — I will be unraveling. I will be dissolving. I will be a mass of white fur, shed to the frosted earth on the forest floor in order to enter the portal of my greatest desires.
In order to become the one I am so close to embodying, I am prepared to die.
❤ Kate
