I’ve been working a lot on money stuff recently.

As an ADHDer, avoidance is something that I consider a top-notch skill. Ask anyone. Anything we don’t want to do, or makes us uncomfortable, we wrpa up into such a tightly-layered burrito of doing other random shit that looks like we’re working on the thing, but in fact we’re just dancing around the ring of getting the thing done going “la-la-la-la, I’m too scared to do this!”

… It’s a common theme amongst us.

For example, when it comes to finances — I know exactly how much money I need to make per month to sustain a relatively comfortable lifestyle (we’ll work our way up to *very comfortable* eventually, but right now we’re just looking to cover the bills and having enough left over to buy people spontaneous gifts, which seems to a Libran’s favourite past time [I rise in Libra — it’s sign that appears as my dominant pesonality streak] ).

I know how much money I need. I know what all my bills are. I know what my accounts hold, and I also know how many of my Under the Mountain (a Dark-to-Light trauma healing energetics course I’ve been working on FOREVER, previously called Inner Sanctuary) courses need to go per-month to help support me.

I have all the data.

I just haven’t been able to get there.

Many moons ago, I received an insight while in the surf (I often receive insights while paddling around dressed as a penguin in the Atlantic ocean) that said:

“It’s not an abundance issue, it’s a receiving issue.”

Yea, yea, I get it. We need to learn to receive. (Just like we need to ‘slow down.’ Easier said than done). The problem was, I understood that in theory, but I had no idea how to make that happen. Until yesterday.

What Abundance Is

It’s day two of my moon cycle. This is the day I spend entirely in the house, eating chips and wearing pyjama pants and most likely doing embroidery or drawing all day. In bed. (Of course). I did, also, pull cards. I also checked my astrology (did you know I’m training in Evolutionary Astrology this fall! Bring on the formal education, yo)! You know what they both said?

You need to deal with your money shit.

One of the prompts from the astrology reading was to look at every angle of money — what I liked, what I didn’t like, why it bothered me, why it excited me. And maybe today was the day of the lightbulb moment, or maybe I had some extra help from the angels this morning — but suddenly the message slapped in the face plain as day:

Abundance has nothing to do with money. Abundance has everything to do with worth.

It was worth I was struggling with. Sure, not having enough money was a by-product of this. Not finishing my course offerings, of course, was a by-product of this (welcome to the trials and tribulations of running your own business as a neurodivergent creative). But when we got down to it, the truth of the matter was that the receiving block I was experiencing was because, at the heart of the matter, I didn’t think I was worth spending the money on. When I tuned in energetically to the feelings, the imagery I got was one of my inner child being, well, dirty. No one wanted to play with her. No one wanted to be near her. Very much giving off Pigpen from Charlie Brown vibes.

And so, of course, I cried.

I needed to. Feeling the waves of emotion as we experience them is one of the most powerful things we possess as humans — for it’s in the moment of feeling and expression that we also, ultimately, transmute. This is where old energy is released and new energy is ushered in (aka, magic happens).

After the tears came, I got to work. Here was what I discovered in my morning of working through three decades of being afraid of money:

Receptivity = Heart

I talk about this in my Under The Mountain course (which at this point we’re aiming to have out by halloween, same timeline as before, yay!) — That receptivity isn’t about getting anything. It’s about opening your field to a wider area and allowing things to come into it. This process all starts with the heart. Often, when we’re struggling with not-having something in our life (love, abundance, connection), it’s because we’re working too damn hard at going after it and getting it, which is what the entire patriarchy has taught us to do. We’re told we need to chase down and hunt what we’re seeking. Not address the walls we may have inadvertently built around them that are actually stopping the things from landing straight in our laps.

The Root of Money Fears

After we dealt with the big avoidance block of feeling like I wasn’t worth giving money to / receiving the abundance I deserved, I got to work on my fears. Here were the primary ones that surfaced:

“If I’m more successful / have more money, people won’t like me.”
→ Classic people pleasing 101. If the people who are around don’t like you because you’re all of a sudden thriving and happy, they see themselves out. It’s 2025. Ain’t nobody got time for fake friends.
“If I have more money, I’m going to change / become someone else / become a bad person.”
→ This stems from the deeper belief that money = bad and that people who have lots of money are bad people. the TRUTH in this is that some folks who have always had money (ie, the bank of mommy and daddy), may not have gone through some of the character building steps that require them to be semi-conscious citizens and half-decent people. We’re not going to worry about those folks. Most of the time, people who are good-hearted folks who just want to do good in the world are the ones who need to have money to make a difference. You can’t change the world and make a huge impact towards world peace if you’re on food stamps. Not having money isn’t making you a better person.
“If my quality of life suddenly improves and I get to live my dreams (for me that’s travel, self-care like body work and generally making my nesty home exactly how my little autistic brain wants it to be), people might misunderstand and think I’ve become shallow.”
→ Again, back to the people-pleasing thing. I had a wonderful yoga teacher about 11 years ago say in class: The moment you decide to become yourself, you stop being able to be friends with everyone.” It’s okay to be misunderstood. You’re not going to become godzilla if you’re suddenly making enough cash to support yourself. R e l a x ❤.
“If I start making more money, I’m not going to be able to handle it.”
→ This one is a pretty common fear, and is rooted in two places: One — are you actually consciously using your money? Do you track your spending, or are you afraid to look at your banking? (I spent years avoiding looking at my statements because they scared me. Knowledge is power, my lovelies). and Two — we’re back at the Worth piece. Do you feel like you won’t be able to handle it because at the end of the day, you feel like you’re a piece of doo-doo that doesn’t deserve to have money to learn how to handle? You learned to read, write, go grocery shopping, and generally be an upstanding member of society — you can learn how to handle money, too. It’s about untangling your worth from having it. You deserve to have it. Promise.

So… What Next

After we’ve tackled all the weeds in the money-root-worth world, the next thing to approach is the Healing surrounding it.

After a full morning of meditation, some *serious* journaling and engaging in a few other personal practices, this is what I came up with:

Worth stuff usually = inner child stuff. You might not love to work with your inner child (I have a hard time stopping to give Her what she needs), but at the end of the day, having a little check in with your iner child about where her fears are coming from are going to bring you to the root pretty quickly. Tune in. See what your little one is afraid of.
Investigate why you think you aren’t worthy. If you get stuck, write down the thoughts that come to you about money. Where do those thoughts come from? Are they even yours?
RELEASE. You don’t need to do anything fancy. Just offer the feelings of unworthiness up to the universe. Let the heaviness be like a jacket you’re willing to take off. Take it off. Give it up.
Figure out what you’re actually calling in — and then call it, baby:
For me, I wasn’t actually calling in abundance. was calling in access to the wellspring of trust. I was calling in worth and receptivity from Grandmother Oak tree. I was calling in safety, so I could feel safe to receive. All of these things contribute to abundance. None of them were money.

The Gist

Libra season is about balance.

Balance is about harmony.

Harmony comes from knowing all the parts and pieces of yourself — even the little ones that are scared people won’t like you or that you’re not worthy of good stuff in life (like having enough to feel safe, happy and successful).

Here’s the thing.

You are worthy, because you were born.

You are worthy, because you were here.

Nothing more to it.

(And, of course, if you want to support me, this blog, and the rest of my work, you can do so here: https://buymeacoffee.com/katelightsc).

Mad peace and love to you all!

xo, ❤ K8

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