Starseeds: On Fear
Enemy no 1
People tend to think I’m a fearless person.
I like to travel alone, I have a near-sadistic desire for thrill and adventure, and I put myself in the ring of vulnerability — a lot.
What did I learn this week, lying on my bed in near-paralysis about things in my future *possibly* working out?
Fear is everywhere.
It is.
It is an omnipotent, ever-present feeling that constantly exists alongside the rhythm of our lives. Hell, it is the high-pitched, un-ignorable timpani-triangle in the back section of the global percussion that persists — despite the mood, ensemble or arrangement of the piece.
It’s just always going to be there.
And yes, it’s used as a part of the dominant narrative to keep us from asking too many questions and going out on a limb to change our lives.
But what about the fear that exists in our intimate realms? How the f* do we manage that?
The one that embodies that tiny voice that says “they’re going to hate whatever you create”, or that quietly, persistently tells you you can’t do it.
like… really persistently.
The fear that exists in your constant internal narrative, deciding that you’re certainly not the right person for this upcoming job / opportunity / chance to shine.
How do we mitiage the fear that quietly pulses alongside every thought that nudges our body to expansion — threatening our current schema of reality and alerting our nervous system to danger?
How do we step forward fearlessly towards the direction of our dreams?
…. well, we don’t.
Or at least, I don’t.
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I don’t step towards much fearlessly.
It’s not in my nature. I am a thinker; a ponderer; a master ruminator. I try to plan out every step 3 billion times and then try to plan in between those steps to ensure I’ve accounted for everything.
While I chip away at building my energetic-somatics course (which I plan to release in June!), I’ve got the emotional body on my mind. I’m suddenly so much more aware and attuned of how my body reacts to things. When I’m upset, I curl inward. Like a little caterpillar trying to roll in on itself for protection.
Anger? All in the upper body. Chest tight. Arms tense. a literal sensation of fire in the belly.
When I’m excited, my body opens like a five-year-old’s depiction of a flower — bursting with colour and joyful, lopsided petals.
So when I felt the visit of fear today — real, visceral, panicky fear — alongside the classic, horrendous voices that accompany it — I went and lay down on my bed.
And I listened.
And listened.
And felt.
And do you know what I discovered?
That underneath the pulsing river of paralyzing fear that was causing my body to shrivel and my mind to explode, I was still there.
My essence, my I AM presence, my reality of who I have become up until this point and all the work I have put into myself was still there underneath it all.
And that fear was just showing up to make itself known.
to let it be seen.
To remind me that I was expanding beyond the boundaries of the known realm — and its gripping, pulse-quickening beat chanted youarenotsafeyouarenotsafe over, and over, and over again.
So I kept listening.
And kept existing underneath it all.
I did not try to love it away. I did not try to ignore it.
I did not, although I was tempted, try to claim “I don’t need you! You’re just trying to wreck my vibe!” And proceed to dance it all away.
I just listened. And breathed. And persisted underneath it all.
At some point, a small bubble of light began to surface.
It was a quiet calm amongst the roaring rapids of my fear — a weightless bubble that seemed to rise to the surface with one simple message:
you are worthy of these opportunities. You are worthy. You have worth.
My little hope-bubble didn’t shatter my fear; or even quiet it, really. But it anchored me in a truth that allowed me to exist within the storm.
My takeaway?
Fear is always, always, always going to show up. Not one single brave person has evaded the experience of fear.
Every leap, change, climb and 180-degree turn you make in your life will invite fear to come to sit at your table.
My advice?
Let it.
Welcome it. Speak to it. Name it.
Do not surrender to it.
Do not give it whatever it wants.
And certainly, certainly, do not listen to every crap story it’s telling you.
But do not turn it away at the door, either. (It’s futile; fear is a great lock-picker).
See if you can find yourself within the storm fear brings — remaining the peaceful music amongst the drums of war.
Because you’re not at war with yourself.
You’re just expanding.
Which, from the eyes of an ascending planet, has you going in a divine direction, in perfect harmony, right on time.
YOU always persist. YOU ARE always there. YOU ARE always present.
YOU are the symphony.
Fear is just the triangle.
xo, As Always,
❤ Kate
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