I started a clothing brand

And feel a little shy about it

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I’ve been in what feels like a constant state of flux.

I feel like I’m building things. Small blocks at a time. Land is tilled, seeds are planted, garden is watered…

Waiting for things to take off.

In search of reflection of “how far I’ve come” since last year, I was re-reading the post I wrote last year about my update in Nova Scotia, and how I had committed “100%” to being “a servant to the universe” as my calling in this lifetime.

Wait, what?

A universe servant?

I’m not so sure about that. I don’t want to be a dutiful, committed servant. I don’t want to be placated to my destiny like cinderalla. I want to make waves. I want to make a difference.

We want to be co-creating with the universe. We want to be giving and receiving, ebbing and flowing, and getting back what we put out in the energetics. I realized through re-reading this post that I was hanging out like a sitting duck waiting for the universe to give me back what I’ve put into it — like a reward.

Have you heard the concept that no one actually gets rewarded for just “being nice?” (There are boundaries that need to exist, and claims for balance — steps taken in the direction of owning what is rightfully ours).

You have to believe in yourself so that the universe sits up straight and hands you right back what you’re demanding for — a resonant match to the vibration of “this is what I deserve, and I don’t give a f* if anyone says so otherwise.

I’ve realized, recently — that the only one who can get me to that space of radical reclamation of what’s rightfully mine … is me.

This isn’t a post about manifesting — or imagining yourself in your dream life — or even journaling about how much you believe you can do something. (All practices I do — often).

It’s about the realization that true belief in yourself doesn’t come from anywhere in your living, breathing, 3D world. It’s not going to come form an event, or from the external validation of someone buying your product (that “wow, people really like me!” feeling that our inner child all strives for).

Believing in yourself isn’t something that “comes from within” either. I mean, it does, truthfully — but it’s not something that can be ‘found’ or even broought forward to light.

That deep, self-belief — the one that puts you into the space of receiving and true, harmonic co-creation with the universe is , well — a decision.

It has to be a decision that you make in order to move forward. It’s a decisioni that says, “yes, actually, I am doing this” — which will open up all the channels of opportunity that were on the other side of “I can’t.”

I’ve always been a big fan of “feel the fear and do it anyway.” When it comes to energetic co-creation? (The place I’m in now) you can’t actually build something out of fear without bringing the vibration of fear into your foundation. You can’t step into the ring of manifestation with the energy of “oh man, I don’t know if this is gonna work, and I feel really down on myself, but I reaallyyy want the result so I’m just going to try it anyway even though I feel kind of crap.”

It’s just… not the equation that’s going to give you what you want.

There is value to doing things scared.

I launched my first all-day retreat this May, and I was terrified about it for the last three weeks leading up to it. Did people still come? Yes. Was it a raging success? …. depends on how you measure success. For me, putting myself through the process of doing the damned thing and teaching my nervous system that I was, in fact, not going to die putting myself out there (hello witch wound), felt like the initiation I needed — and that was the point. But in truth, I didn’t really believe in myself going into it. For weeks beforehand, I dug my heels in all the way along and approached the whole day with fear instead of belief. Sure, people showed up. But we didn’t sell out. The day felt perfect, and divinely orchestrated, and totally synchronous in the energetics of the actual day ( I mean, we saw an orca in the harbour). But in terms of revenue? We operated at a loss.

I know stuff feels hard right now. We are incarnated at a formidable time, and in my opinion, we’re just getting to the centre of all the chaos. Things feel intense. Things are intense. There is a lot happening.

But when it comes to belief (or the energy of peace, in terms of global events), I urge you to make a decision.

Part of this whole system-collapse sitcho is that the dominant feeling of oppression that succeeds in keeping us stuck is one of victimhood. When we feel like we can never get out of something because we’ve accepted our fate and feel like there’s nothing else we can do, even if we try to move in the direction of our dreams, we carry the energy of belief that it’s never going to work.

It sucks. But it’s also true.

The only person who can make the energy to believe in yourself is you. The only person who can decide that things are going to be different is you.

And, if you’re like me, this might feel like a little punch to the gut of — “how do I just “choose” to believe in myself when I have all of this _____F*vbnafaksfebsfk____ behind me that’s stacked up in a history of convincing doubt?

Well, my friend,

You just decide.

There’s really no other way to do it. You straighten your spine, put on your big human socks (cause who really likes pants) and say to yourself:

“I’m doing this. And it’s going to work.”

And then you decide that it is.

And when you move into the space of creation, or momentum forwards, and you hear all those little doubts (or big doubts) rise up — maybe your physical body starts to freak out — you give yourself a nice, big, loving hug, and maybe lie on your bed. You tell those doubts that ‘I’m sorry,’ they are not invited this time around, and they cannot come with you on this new project. You reassure your physical vessel that things feel scary because you’re doing something new, and that your nervous system is trying to keep you safe. And then you make the decision, again, that you believe this is going to work.

It takes effort, sure. But it’s also a bit like a light switch.

Have you ever cold-dipped? Or decided to run and jump off a dock into cold water?

Beforehand, there is so much mental noise going on. So much mental traffic telling you “Idon’twanttodothisThisisgonnabeColdFuckthis” over and over again. But when you decide to enter the water — and decide to jump, there’s nothing else that stops you. It’s just you and the decision.

And that changes everything.

This is where I’m at in my personal / work/ creative life (because for me nothing is really every separate). A few years ago, I started dreaming about turning my drawings into art and clothing. I love comfy clothing, I love art, and I tend to feel like intuitive messages come through when I draw.

This past winter, I decided to make the dream a reality. I got to work on multiple different designs, some of them from visions, and some of them just coming through me intuitively. I bought an ipad, spent three months figuring out how to use the damn thing (a detail people definitely don’t mention in advance), and got to work. I finished the last of my designs in May and, silly me, thought it was going to be easy from there.

Little did I know about ordering clothing samples. Finding the right printer. Finding the right print style, or understanding how printing on coloured / dark garments worked. I didn’t know about the texture of light colours printed on dark (very different than something printed on a white tee), and boy, did I know nothing about using illustrator files or what they call “dirt” on files (like when you accidentally smudge a drawing and there’s a little mark over yonder on the right — that baby will print right onto your hoodie if you don’t find it and get rid of it).

It’s been a huge undertaking.

I have people commenting that I’m spread too thin — that I’m trying to do too much at once — getting my starseed + inutitive coaching business off the ground; running workshops in real life; writing on here (my favourite); keeping up with social media posts, and of course, launching a whole bunch of clothing and stickers and showing up at markets this summer.

Is it a lot?
Hell, yea it is.

But I also believe that it’s all going to work.
I believe it’s all going somewhere.
How do I know?


I don’t.

I’ve decided.

Xo,

Kate

P.S. — if you like any of the designs and are interested in buying a hoodie or longsleeve tee, please email me at kate.lightstone@gmail.com!